[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
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Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*