One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
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Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
Every house has this drawer
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car