Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
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today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.