Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
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[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
My nickname in high school was “who?”
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.