ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
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Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”