I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
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[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??