Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
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Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.