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Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
I am all good here, 😂😉
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife