I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
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*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
Bro what is this
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.