*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
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Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*