Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
You Might Also Like
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot