The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
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cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start