Happens to everyone.
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The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
Thursday
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*