doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
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“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
(more comics:
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
The French word for sex is croissant.
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
If you need a laugh.. 😅
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one