Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
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Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
“Huge”.
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.