You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
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“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
can’t catch a break
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou