peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
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I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
Swedish for common sense.
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.