“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
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Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
God making man in his image was the original selfie
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today