I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
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If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
I have never related to anyone more.
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie: