You Might Also Like
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.