have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
You Might Also Like
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
this chia pet tastes awful
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.