You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
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*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
The point of your 20s
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)