Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
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Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
White Castle for the Win
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess