How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
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Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
Realize this:
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”