How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
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if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it