A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
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Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
#dnd #ttrpg
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”