Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
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Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”