Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
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Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
For cardio I live beyond my means.
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever