Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
You Might Also Like
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.