No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
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I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
This probably isn’t good
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’