I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
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[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
E
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
the chicken was already gone when I got here