hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
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Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
Duck typos.
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
me and my fake scenarios
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
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Me: Same
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…