ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
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The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
Perfect
i have never needed anything in my life more than this