My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
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Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
*names my little horse OneTrick*
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus