People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
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There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
no one ever comes back
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
Okay
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.