‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
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If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
I have never related to anyone more.
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.