Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
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If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
584.
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”