Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
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“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!