Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
You Might Also Like
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
Today I realised that fire engines don’t carry the water in the fire engine with them. Thought fire hydrants were an American thing. Didn’t realise we had them in the UK. I’m 36 and have two first class degrees
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
Good point.
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.