Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
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I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
work smarter, not harder
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
philosophical skeletons be like
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
The fall of Netflix