It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
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waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.