The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
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One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.