*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
You Might Also Like
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.