Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
You Might Also Like
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!