I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
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one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
When you can’t find your friend Neil
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
dogs can find happiness so easily
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
Good dog. ❤️
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.