things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
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OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
Same post same
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.