“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
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Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.