Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
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My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
Netflix: We have Less
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
Bootstraps
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU