January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
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*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
when you don’t want to be too vague
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.