You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
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“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.